I have been SOOO emotional this week. It has hit me lately that my baby is not such a baby anymore. I'm having issues being ok with that. Ryan and I have exhausted all medical resources we can think of. We've done fertility treatment, tests, drugs, anything and everything the doctors have suggested and of course prayer. I told my self a year ago that if I was not pregnant by the time Becca was 4 then I would accept it and move on. Well....she turned 4, 2 months ago so yesterday I took the last of the baby stuff to goodwill. It was going along great and I thought I was fine, but then I pulled into my driveway and it hit me, I just started bawling. I've had many people tell me once you give your stuff away you'll get pregnant. I think deep down I still secretly hope that happens. I feel guilty for having such heart ache over not having 4 kids as Ry and I ALWAYS said we wanted. I have 3 wonderful beautiful kids and I cherish them. I definately don't want to be one of those people who dwells on what they don't have and be sure to soak up as much of my kids as I can. I do honestly want to be ok with not having another baby, I'm just not there yet. My head is, but not my heart. . I am working on having greater faith that there is something else that I am supposed to be doing right now and move on. It is fun that our family is growing up. Yesterday we all went on a long bike ride. We went quite far and there was no whining or complaining and it was just so fun. Also going to the movie theater is actually fun now. They all sit thru it and we can all enjoy it. I love seeing the little personalities more and I think it is so fun to get to joke around with the kids and have them tell some jokes too. Life is good and I am blessed beyound measure.
